Crush.

Every girl I ever think is cute is only going to like Reuben because he is cuter and I am fat. I have decided this. Now I only need to learn to be okay with it.

Even cowgirls get the blues.

Chin up, kiddo.

Can't win 'em all.

P.S. TRISTAN "Chuck 'E Cheese" COSTANZO LIVES IN MY HOUSE! ROCK N' ROLL!

The first of the century.

You know, you can be the first of this century to bleed through. To find truth. To know what you should do.
You know, it could be anything.
Sometimes you might find a crack or a fault line. But, dressed down or made up, you'll find a real love.
A place to come home to at night.

So what did we pay for? And why did we care? What were we after, and why was it there?
Desire gave way to a false sense of hope and we fell for the lie that it's what we all chose.
And I yelled to my friends, "It'll all be okay." But they didn't believe me.
They still don't today.
They never do anything they haven't before. In the same solemn room with no lock on the door.
And over and over and over again, the same failed solutions to all the same problems.
They scream, "Why? Why? I can't understand why the things that I do never go as I've planned!"

And the vultures begin their slow circling, the dogs lick their teeth. Bright white and gleaming.
But just hold your tongue. Barely begun to fight until now.
Let's see what you've got, this wide open shot. Take it or leave it.
'Cause we're getting out, we're getting out alive. And you'll never find us again.

Springtime out the van window.

The sun burns brighter every day and I don't have that bitter cold to direct my resentment at anymore.
So I fill my veins with loathing for the heart that keeps me going when I'm so far past useless I can't crawl out of bed.
(Not even just to get dressed.)
Everything is so beautiful in spring.
Everything is so beautiful but me.
So I lie and rot in bed until she comes in to fill me with regret.
And yet again, I regress. I'm such a mess.
I traded every shred of dignity that I had left just to feel her breathe on my skin.
She's such a pretty little mess and I just can't help but give in.
Everything is so beautiful in springtime.
Everything is so beautiful but none of it is mine.

No good at saying sorry.

I really just can't believe she didn't even apologize. That was the most terrible night I've had in quite some time. Probably the worst I've ever been screwed over in my life. And not even an apology. But oh well. Things happen.

Can't win 'em all.

Not that simple.

But really, it is. I have a tendency to make things a lot more complicated than they need to be. To attach emotions to things that I'm basically forcing myself to feel because I think I should. But I'm learning to let those things go. To realize exactly where I went wrong and exactly where someone else did something fucked up. I'm getting better at taking responsibility for my actions and not blaming myself when something is clearly not my fault. I think I'm going to be a happier person in general. So I guess I owe you that, at least.

Come pick me up.

You know you could. I wish you would come pick me up.
Take me out.
Fuck me up.
Steal my records, screw all my friends behind my back with a smile on your face.
And then do it again.
I wish you would.