Crush.

Every girl I ever think is cute is only going to like Reuben because he is cuter and I am fat. I have decided this. Now I only need to learn to be okay with it.

Even cowgirls get the blues.

Chin up, kiddo.

Can't win 'em all.

P.S. TRISTAN "Chuck 'E Cheese" COSTANZO LIVES IN MY HOUSE! ROCK N' ROLL!

The first of the century.

You know, you can be the first of this century to bleed through. To find truth. To know what you should do.
You know, it could be anything.
Sometimes you might find a crack or a fault line. But, dressed down or made up, you'll find a real love.
A place to come home to at night.

So what did we pay for? And why did we care? What were we after, and why was it there?
Desire gave way to a false sense of hope and we fell for the lie that it's what we all chose.
And I yelled to my friends, "It'll all be okay." But they didn't believe me.
They still don't today.
They never do anything they haven't before. In the same solemn room with no lock on the door.
And over and over and over again, the same failed solutions to all the same problems.
They scream, "Why? Why? I can't understand why the things that I do never go as I've planned!"

And the vultures begin their slow circling, the dogs lick their teeth. Bright white and gleaming.
But just hold your tongue. Barely begun to fight until now.
Let's see what you've got, this wide open shot. Take it or leave it.
'Cause we're getting out, we're getting out alive. And you'll never find us again.

Springtime out the van window.

The sun burns brighter every day and I don't have that bitter cold to direct my resentment at anymore.
So I fill my veins with loathing for the heart that keeps me going when I'm so far past useless I can't crawl out of bed.
(Not even just to get dressed.)
Everything is so beautiful in spring.
Everything is so beautiful but me.
So I lie and rot in bed until she comes in to fill me with regret.
And yet again, I regress. I'm such a mess.
I traded every shred of dignity that I had left just to feel her breathe on my skin.
She's such a pretty little mess and I just can't help but give in.
Everything is so beautiful in springtime.
Everything is so beautiful but none of it is mine.

No good at saying sorry.

I really just can't believe she didn't even apologize. That was the most terrible night I've had in quite some time. Probably the worst I've ever been screwed over in my life. And not even an apology. But oh well. Things happen.

Can't win 'em all.

Not that simple.

But really, it is. I have a tendency to make things a lot more complicated than they need to be. To attach emotions to things that I'm basically forcing myself to feel because I think I should. But I'm learning to let those things go. To realize exactly where I went wrong and exactly where someone else did something fucked up. I'm getting better at taking responsibility for my actions and not blaming myself when something is clearly not my fault. I think I'm going to be a happier person in general. So I guess I owe you that, at least.

Come pick me up.

You know you could. I wish you would come pick me up.
Take me out.
Fuck me up.
Steal my records, screw all my friends behind my back with a smile on your face.
And then do it again.
I wish you would.

Lovebites and razorlines.

Who you fucking now? I use my slit wrist to sign my name with. And when you cant compete with the Joneses, you'll gun 'em all down. (Even the father.)

You filthy whore.
Shut up and swallow my pride for me, move closer and drive further.
Suck on the end of this dick that cums lead, but first I'm coming for you all.

It's ladies night at the bar and she smokes a man's cigar.
I guess she's dying. Oh well.
I don't give a fuck about your dignity.
That's the bastard in me.

I know a girl who sells herself around. And I'm sure that one day she'll sign autographs in your town.

Looking back into my diary, what makes me say those things?
What causes my laughter at another's disaster?
It's the bastard in me.

You fucking whore.

Who you fucking now? You fucking live in shit.
I strain myself, I guess, I guess.
I fuck myself, I guess, I guess.
I strain myself.
I guess I need it.

You fucking whore you live in shit and you will eat your own way out.

I am too fly and shy, like no other guy.
I'm too fly and shy just for you.

I'll mark you all.

I know a girl who sells herself around. And I'm sure that one day she'll sign autographs in your town.

Who's she fucking now?
Who are you fucking now?
Thank you Daryl Palumbo for connecting the fine line between genius and profanity.

The East has stolen what the West may want.

Scream at the last thing that you said.
There's no hope in love, it's just inside your head.

Point of extinction.

It's about that time again where I start hating everything. Starting with who I am,
and ending with how I got here. I've been awake for days on end singing "Life is for the living and sleep is for the dead." But I need a good night's sleep to stop this aching in my head.

I won't sleep because when I sleep I'm just wasting time. I've been tired for years, but I guess that's the price I pay for trying to make the most of my time, yeah the most of this life.

It's about that time again where I start questioning everything. Starting with where I'm at, and ending with why you're not here. I stayed up on the phone until 5AM just to calm you down when you were living all alone in that empty house with all those terrible sounds. They kept you awake, so you kept me around.

It's about that time where I start answering everything. Starting with "I never meant..." and ending with "I'll make the same mistakes a million times before I get it right. Will I ever get it right?"

Wish you were here.

Figure it out.

I think I realized that trying to go somewhere else to figure out who you are inevitably leads to the realization that you are the same person you have always been no matter what place you are at and you might as well go home and be with the people who already know who you are and love you anyway.

Get your head straight.

So stoked to be moving out tomorrow! :D
I can't wait to have my own room.
And live with sweet dudes instead of annoying girls.
And pretty much just have personal space for the first time in eight months.
So stoked.

The tension and the terror.

Sometimes I just can't explain all the ways you devastate me. Always on my mind.

To be happy now.

Tonight was the best night I have had in a long time. If you don't already know what I'm talking about then you missed out on either an awesome night or an awesome story. I hate ignorant business owners. I love my family, my friends and my band. I love playing on the floor and feeling like maybe we're all part of something bigger than ourselves for two hours.

I'm truly happy for the first time in a long time. It feels good. Despite that little thing that's always in the back of my mind.

But the regrets are killing me.

You know what I hate?
How I still really like you.

"Well I'm not dead yet, but the regrets are killing me."

It's everybody's fault but mine.

Found the original six Straylight Run demos from 2003. The last time I had them was near the end of that year, which means I have been without them for over five years now. I am so happy about this.

You're a woman, I'm a machine.

Another night out with these single serving friends, waking up the morning after. Another day, another year and I'm feeling old, time just moves a little faster. We all twist and turn, we all break and bend 'til we're all turned backwards but we never change. The good times always end soon after they begin and I'm still the same. We always stay the same.

But tonight, tonight. We're gonna party like it's 1999. And tomorrow we'll wake up to the same old 9 to 5. Breathe in, breathe out. Smoke in your mouth. Press that cigarette to your lips, and it's all I can think about. The taste on my tongue and forgetting how this ever could've been fun. And I've had my doubts for a long time now, but aren't we just too young to be growing up?

I pace the floors in this house and take a look around, all of these people move just like that radio sounds. They're in my head, I can't forget and they were fun for a few nights and that was it. And they have got the hook to just pull you in, then they are there and their songs, they never end. I was singing along, but now I can't escape and it gets so old, I've gotta find someplace where I can be myself.
(Whoever that is these days.)

Oceans.

I started sending you a note on how "I hope that you’re happy". I hear you’re somewhere in the sand, and how I wish I was an ocean. Maybe then I'd get to see you again.

Why am I scarred from what she did to me? Why cant I trust anyone? No, not even me. Why don’t I just give in, have a drink and shake some hands?

I love The Format. Good bands should quit breaking up.

I'll never love again.

Until I can fill the void left in your bed, I'll never find my place there in your head.
You said, "I'm giving up, this is just not worth it. You know I care but I just can't see us making it out alive. This is goodbye." But those things I said to you, you know I meant them all. I really thought this could be something worth my time.

I guess I wasted an awful lot of nights on the phone with you, just passing the time 'til you found your old drugs and new friends. Hung me out to dry, but that's how it always ends.

Have you heard this all before? I know it's been said a million times. Will admitting this make me less obvious, make you think that i'm still clever and full of wit? You know this message hides in between these lines, I'll spell it out 'til it's impossible to miss.

Have you heard this all before? I know it's been said a million times. Will admitting this make me less obvious, can you still see that I am cliche and full of shit? You know "Please come back" hides in between these lines, I'll spell it out 'til it's impossible to miss. I'll never love again.

It's been eighteen days since I last saw your face and now this picture is all I have, but I doesn't feel right looking at it now. Because I know that it was meant for times when I was supposed to miss you, not for times like this when I cannot forget you even though I know I should be over this by now.