Welcome home.

It's been a while since I updated this. I am playing in Get Down! again and I am loving it. I am friends with a few people who I thought might never speak to me again and I am incredibly excited. I love my friends, I love my life, I hope I never mess up this bad again.

Too far gone.

I can't help feeling a lot of remorse for the things I've said to some people the last few weeks. I may have lost one of my best friends and I'm really bummed out about it. She's one of the coolest girls I've ever met in my life and I can't believe I was so thoughtless and horrible to her. I hope she can forgive me and we can be friends again because it's really bumming me out.

I miss you so much. You know who you are.

Homesick at space camp.

I miss Minnesota so much. I really want to get my finances in order and stop being broke so I can move up there and start living without being so anxious and impatient all the time.

This ain't a surfin' movie.

Otis is a really weird movie.

Kevin is a pretty sweet dude.

Pat's a little odd.

I love friends.

I miss Minnesota. A lot.

Takeoffs and landings.

Get me out of here.

Say you'll never leave.

I have never wanted so badly to just start my life over fresh and start new in a whole different place. But unfortunately I have to return home in two days and start working again to pay off all my bills and get my money situation stable so that I can move. I am so ready to move up here and not have to leave. I hate money.

Minnesota.

I am currently hanging out in the amazing state of Minnesota. I am really enjoying it. I love Matt Brown, Kathan, Geena, Scooter, Ben, Dan, Sam, Briah, Madison, Kevin, Zach, and pretty much anyone else I forgot. Also I love Alex Brown. And I wish he wasn't so mad at me and I hadn't had to quit and make him mad in the first place. I feel terrible but it had to be done.

I love my friends.

Forward motion.

Time to get things moving in the right direction. No more sitting around waiting for life to happen.

MPLS.

Soon?

Never coming back.

I thought I loved this place, but it was never home.

I thought I loved my friends, but somehow I'm alone.

Decisions, decisions.

Lately I have been praying a lot and thinking about where I need to be and what I need to do. I have a feeling there are big changes coming for me.

Sometimes to do the things you love, you leave the ones you love behind.

How to deal with the thought that sometimes life ends.

Today my roommate's dog was hit by a car and killed.

Jack was the greatest dog I've ever known. He had enough energy to play and run around and be happy and fun. But when you were chilling on the couch watching TV, he'd just curl up next to you and chill. He slept in my bed a few times when his owner was out of town or gone for the night. He always came down to my bed when I'd sleep in late and jump all over me 'til I was awake. He'd sit on my lap outside and enjoy the warm summer days. We didn't talk much, as I'm not really the kind of person to sit and chat with a dog. But Jack was always around reminding me that some things in life aren't that complicated. Sometimes you can just run around and be happy.

I wish I'd gone on more walks with him.

No better way to show your love than a set of broken legs.

Nothing will ever be good. It will only be not as bad. Or maybe it's worse, and you just don't realize it. But everything is always slowly falling apart, no matter how quickly you take steps to repair it. Disaster is always one step ahead.

The night they blew up the moon.

Tonight was amazing. This one's gonna be a hard one to beat. But who knows. Maybe I'm in for a few more nights like this. I certainly hope so.

Also on a completely unrelated note, I really dig finding old songs I haven't heard in years and still knowing all the words.

And no matter what some people might say, Something Corporate is great.


Climbing out of the sky, a man who could fly and a painting anyone could play.
It's a comic book crush that taught you to trust.
Staring out of the stands at a rock n roll band and a hero no one else could save.
It was never much but it's all that you gave.

And I wonder if you wonder, or did your stars finally explode?
Did the thunder pull you underneath the haze?
I'm amazed, than I let go.

Little minds let little games burn big old dreams with little flames, and you don't think I understand.
Little holes in parachutes won't leave you falling, if they do, it's because you want to land.

Climbing out of his chair to fix the T.V. glare is a man, but no one knows he's there.
It's a Dramamine dream that kept them alive but lost.
She's got her plastic friends and a brand new Benz and she laughs, "Hell, sometimes life ain't fair."
It's a comic book crush that got them nowhere.

These elevator doors are closing again. You leave before I planned.
I taste you walking down the hall.
You left your perfume on the night stand

Suddenly everything has changed.

Or has it? I don't know. Hopefully this doesn't turn out to ruin everything. I feel lost and dumb and anxious and afraid right now.

I just noticed that this blog has relevance to two completely different things going down in my life right now.

I love my brothers.
I like this girl.

I want this all to work out for the better.

I want to hold your hand.

I want to tell you but I'm afraid of how things might change.

All I need.

God. Family. Friends. Music. Love. Laughter. Money.

That last one is quite unfortunate but completely necessary and it is disappointing to have to realize more every day how much money governs this world we live in.

Still it is last on the list for a reason because sometimes things take on a greater importance than the world tells us they should.

All I want.

I want someone to share this with me, someone to love me, someone to talk to, someone to hold, someone to miss me while I'm away.

Someone to make this place feel like home while I'm here.

All I have.

When there is one thing you are certain you are supposed to be doing it becomes hard to focus on anything else. The trick is to begin to see everything else as if it were a part of what you were meant to do, a means to the end that is your purpose in this world.

This job, this bed, these bills, these investments, these days, these nights, these weeks, these months.

I am only doing all of this so that I can someday soon do the only thing that I love.

Time seems to be all I have but I have less of it every day.

Single millionaires.

I can't wait to start working and making money and being able to pay for things. I'm excited to get my life back on track and start saving for important things. Summer's over, back to life for now.

We make the road by walking.

I can't wait to go out and tour again next summer. Seriously. It's going to be amazing. Get stoked. I am. It's all I can think about and probably will be until the day we leave.

Too bad you're beautiful.

Seriously. I might be falling for you. But the fact you won't return the feelings doesn't bother me much at all. Because above all you're an amazing friend.

Where we're going, we don't need roads.

Tour has been amazing. Avery, Four Word Cause, and The JV All*Stars are amazing. It's been a blast and it's been awesome actually having shows every night. I downloaded some new music today and I'm just kind of chilling in the basement of a frat house in Ames, Iowa on my computer rocking the new Norma Jean and Anthony Green records (eclectic, I know).

Life is pretty sweet. I'm nervous to get home and begin dealing with jobs and places to live and all kinds of other uncertainties. But out here on the road, everything is really open and the possibilities really seem endless. I can't wait to be doing this full-time, broke or not. I honestly love life out here and I'm dreading being at home again. (However, I do miss a few friends very much and I can't wait to give them all huge hugs.)

Take care.

I'm praying for you. Please be safe and call me in the morning.

Empty apartment.

I spent most of today packing and starting to move my stuff out. I've accumulated more than I'd guessed in the last year. I found a lot of things too, like a $15.00 Wal*Mart gift card I got for graduation and never used, some Hannah Montana plates and cups left over from Valentine's Day, an uncanny amount of spoons, my room key, my mail key, my gate key, my laundry card... the list goes on for a bit. I'm excited and incredibly nervous for the next couple of weeks. No sure place to live and no definite way to pay for it all. But I believe God's got a plan, and I'm ready for it. So here goes nothing, I guess.

Livin' th' dream.

I just got back from tour. I leave again in ten days.
This semester is going to be the most anxious and impatient time of my life.
I cannot wait to do this full-time.

Cautioners.

Tonight, I sat outside on the curb and listened to Jimmy Eat World for a few minutes. It was one of the more relaxing and stress-relieving things I've done this week. As I was sitting there, I looked down at the ground and some some sort of winged insect jumping across the ground. I looked closer, and noticed one of its wings was missing. The bug kept going, jumping as far as it could go, trying it's best to fly with its one wing. It hopped in all different directions and didn't seem really to go anywhere. But it kept on hopping, moving as far and as fast as it could, given its situation.

In a few hours, my band is heading out on its first tour. Our first show might or might not be acoustic, our van broke down and we are taking my Taurus and borrowing gear for the shows. Our shows on Friday and Saturday were unexpectedly cancelled tonight, and are in the process of hopefully being re-booked. Sunday, we come home and play our EP release and then continue on a more certain string of dates in Nebraska and Minnesota.

Now, we could have stopped a few times by now. Once we found out our van was not going to get us where we needed to go, we could've cancelled our dates, stayed home, worked our jobs, and continued on as we were. We decided not to. Instead, we made the decision to take my little Ford Taurus and play the dates we had scheduled. Then, the first couple of shows got cancelled. Once again, we could just say "forget it" and stay home until Sunday. Instead, we made the decision to take a chance and keep on going.

Some will call us stupid, most would not approve or understand what could make us do this. But we share a genuine love of each other and the music we're making. This is our goal for our lives, and we will keep going no matter what.

Some people might have simply stepped on that little bug and put him out of his misery. But who's to say that he's really miserable? What better place does a bug have to be than on a sidewalk at night jumping around for what's left of his 24-hour life span?

What better place do we have to be than on the road with four of our best friends, spreading our music in any way we can and doing what we love for no other rational reason than the fact that we love it?

So we keep going on, always praying for the best, and putting in all the effort we can to ensure that we did not waste any time or hold back in any way.

We're young, we're excited, and we're probably idiots. But we've only got one life to live.

I have become what I have always hated.

I'm a failure and I have no one to blame but myself.

Untitled.

(This is a very rough draft of some ideas. Possibly not in order. Possibly not anything at all.)

And now tonight, for the first time in my life I'm alright.
I am happy with who I am.

I've found friends that I would kill for, that I would die for.
I think it's given me something to live for.

I don't regret a single step I took to get from who I was to who I have become.
I am only who I've made myself, but I must admit, I've had some help.
I've been torn apart and pieced together, I think it's for the better. For the most part.

And everyone I've met is now a piece of who I am,
From sandbox friends when I was just a kid, to the shaking of our hands and a tearful kiss goodbye.
From the bike rides in the summertime, to the car rides home on those rainy nights.
Oh, how things can change. We know nothing stays the same.
From the trips to the lake when the sun burned our skin and our eyes were wide, never knowing what would happen next.
To the tangled sheets and you next to me, feeling at home. The next night in that bed and how I'd never felt so alone.
We know nothing stays the same, I'd like to think we can change together now.

Sing.

I wish I could.

Play it again, Sam.

Today I record drums. It should be a good time. Everything is tuned and ready. Now we're just sitting waiting for the Koterba to arrive.

A kiss is not a contract.

Even if I never saw you again I'd never forget the half-giggling little smile on your face after I kissed you on the cheek today. I don't care what this is, I don't care if we're going to have a dating relationship again or if we're just going to be friends and I'm always going to be stuck crushing on you. All I know is I'm so glad we're talking again because you somehow always make me smile. Today was one of the best days I've had in a long while, and you were not the least of the reasons why.

Make it happen.

Let's give this one more try?

I'm not calling you.

Well. I lost my phone. I'm still hoping that somehow I can find it to get my pictures and videos and such off of it. It's funny, I've had quite a few phones in my life. Three different types of phone, broke three of my first one and two of my second one, and I've had this last green LG for over a year. It survived being lost at Cornerstone. It has pictures of the Dashboard acoustic tour, Spitalfield's last tour date in Omaha, Chiodos playing in the Underground, and Kris Roe's acoustic tour. Not to mention tons of photos of friends that I never did get a chance to send to my e-mail. It has numbers from hundreds of people that I've met. Friends from on tour, in Grand Island, in Omaha, and everywhere else I've been. It has numbers of my family members; grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. That phone has an amazing history. Pictures and numbers in that phone serve to document many of the events of this past year.

It's a strange thing to consider. I'm not upset that I lost a little piece of plastic and electronics. That's any easy thing to replace. But all of the numbers, photos, videos, and memories contained in that one little piece of plastic might never be seen again. How long can these things remain as simple memories with no proof or physical evidence of their existence? I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday.

Oh. Hello.

It's so strange how random life is sometimes. Yesterday I pulled up to the stop light at 72nd and Dodge with Tristan and looked to my right at the car next to me. There in the passenger seat was Kelsey O'Sullivan, who I have not seen since her midterm graduation. It was pretty cool, to say the least. Funny, how life is sometimes. Every day is a surprise in some way or another. The only thing that never changes is the past.

"Hey now, the past is told by those who win.
My darling, what matters is what hasn't been."

Like a movie.

I don't believe in anyone, but I believe in you.
I never trusted anyone, but somehow I trust you.

Constant apology.

There are only so many hours in every day. I feel like I have so much to do but somehow I never get anything done. The band has an EP to finish writing in less than a month now. We're getting a good start but finishing has been difficult. Already, school is almost done for the summer. A week from today is my last class. I need to do my laundry. I don't have any more clean socks, so I'll be stopping by Wal*Mart on the way home to buy a new pack. I finally have quite a few hours at work this week, but consequently I have not had time to apply for a second job. We still have yet to call the house that we're looking to rent in August. I need to register for my classes for next year. Days just aren't long enough.

Kill.

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain.
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means.
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes.
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away.

So go on love, leave while there's still hope for escape.

Got to take what you can these days.
There's so much ahead, so much regret.
I know what you want to say.
I know it but can't help feeling differently.


I loved you, and I should have said it.
But tell me just what has it ever meant?
I can't help it baby, this is who I am.
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel.
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break.

I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

Get it together.

I am not going to miss another class. I am going to study for my classes. I am going to start seriously applying for a second job. I am going to work hard and do my part to make my band as good as it can possibly be. I am going to save money. I am going to stop spending so much on fast food. I am going to start eating healthier. I am going to start exercising. I am going to find a way to manage my time better.

I know you don't believe me. And I know I haven't given you any reason to. Yet.

But I'm going to make you proud of me.

Stop whining.

I think it's time for me to stop complaining all the time. I mean, yeah, I miss a certain girl a ton. More than I can even say. And I need a second job, really badly. But I might be getting one soon. And complaining about these things isn't going to change anything. So I'm going to try and stop for a while.

Come back.

I know you miss me. You know I miss you.
I know you still like me. You know I still like you.

So why won't you just let me be yours again? I know I've been selfish and I'm sorry. But I'm ready to do what it takes to change that.

I think there's a reason that a boy living in Omaha, Nebraska just happened to join a band whose show a girl from Tecumseh, Nebraska just happened to miss by twenty minutes. I think there's a reason that those two people just happened to exchange numbers at a Burger King after that show. I think there's a reason she said "yes" when he asked her to be his girlfriend. I think there's a reason he can't even think about any other girl anymore.

Can you please just give us the chance to find out what that reason is?

23.

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for?

I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready.

Don't hate me.

Yeah, so. Today was pretty alright until about 4:00. Then Kaci called and couldn't hang out, once again. I miss that girl something crazy. But we did have a good talk, and I finally know that she really does miss me. Not half as much as I miss her, though.

Today.

I finally get to see Kaci this afternoon. I am incredibly excited. I miss her terribly.

On to morning stars.

This is the second night in a row that I have been up until after 5AM. Last night, I hung out with Kelli and Amy driving around Lincoln and laughing entirely too much until about 4:30AM and then headed back to the hotel my parents were staying in to sleep for a few hours. Tonight, after the show in Kearney, Kam, Matt, Isom, and Jonathan ate Perkins in Grand Island with just about everyone who was at the show. Then we headed to my house and proceeded to watch Nick @ Nite and chill for about four hours somehow. It's now six in the morning and I have a feeling I am going to be completely dead tomorrow. But the last two days were fun. I'm heading straight to bed after the show tomorrow night, though. I've got to wake up at 7AM to get to get to school by 8AM. Life is incredibly lame. I need to start doing something worthwhile.

I miss you.

So. I haven't actually gotten to spend any time alone with my girlfriend in like over two weeks. This seriously blows. I'm not usually one to say super-corny sappy things like this, but I miss my baby. I really do. And I feel terrible that she's had such a horrible week and I can't do anything to cheer her up. Here's hoping next week is better.

Believe in what you want.

Today I went and applied for a couple of jobs and got applications for a couple more. Hopefully I'll find one within the next couple of weeks. Within the next week would be great. I could really use a little financial security in my life at the moment. And the ability to start putting away for some things that I'd like to buy. Like a new TV, iPod, guitar, and amp. Do I need these things? No. But they'd be nice to have. I'm not really one for material possessions, but whatever. Congratulations American media, you've successfully convinced me that I need a big screen HDTV to make my life more complete.

Static prevails.

Today I've been listening to Jimmy Eat World all day. It's been the best decision of my week. It's given me the motivation to finally start trying to piece together some actual songs instead of just whatever random guitar parts pop into my head. It's also given me the motivation to start looking for a good second job so I can make enough money to invest in some gear to really get these songs going. So yeah. If by some incredible chance I end up on a stage someday in front of a few people who happen to like my band's songs, please remind me it's all because of Jimmy Eat World.

Pretty pathetic.

Why am I so selfish? Not everything in this world is about me, and I really need to start remembering that. I might expand on this later.

Iron man.

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That's gonna be tight.

Someone's standing on my chest.

"I felt guilty." What could you mean by that? Something that's really not even a big deal? Or something that's going to make me feel horrible? Why would you leave me hanging on to those words until tomorrow? All night, I've felt like an elephant is standing on my chest. I can hardly breathe and every time I manage to distract myself from it, it comes back like a ton of bricks. Please let everything be okay.

Chasing suns.

I'd just like to take a second to thank God for brightening my day today with the beautiful sunshine when I walked outside on my way to work. It put a genuine smile on my face, and those have been pretty rare this week.

This side of brightness.

I think in a lot of ways, the universe is really all about balance. From ideas and problems as big as the universe itself, all the way down to each person's individual life. My life has been pretty incredible the last few months. I've got a few close friends who I love to death. I've got a girlfriend who somehow makes me smile every day, even when she's driving me completely insane. I actually got to enjoy a little taste of the "touring band" life. I had a great job. (Still do, I just need more hours.) Then yesterday, as you can read a couple of posts down, everything started falling apart a little bit. My financial situation has already been pretty shaky, and now I've got an extra $120.00 to pay somehow. Not to mention how much my insurance will go up if I can't take a stop class. I really can't afford life right now. I really hope I find a second job soon. I don't care how terrible it is. Not many things could be worse than this.

Hey.

Life. Fuck you.

Walking downtown.

Tonight's blog is going to be a two-part ordeal. First I'm going to elaborate/vent on why this was probably the worst day of my life in recent memory.

The day began with two possible things to do: A) Go visit Kaci in Tecumseh, or B) go see the Foo Fighters. I decided to go with option A. And, while I was at it, I decided after hanging out with Kaci for a while, I'd go see Kelsey in Lincoln since I haven't seen her in a couple of months. Sounded great. Unfortunately, Kaci decided that she would rather not see me tonight for some reason that I'm still a little unclear on. I decided to go see Kelsey anyway because I hadn't seen her in so long. On my way to Lincoln, less than a mile away from my exit, I got pulled over for speeding where I didn't realize the speed limit had changed from 65 to 55. None of the other cars had taken note either, but apparently this policeman had something against my Ford Taurus and I. I landed myself a $119.00 ticket for simply following traffic and failing to slow down when the other ten cars in front of me hadn't done it either. I hope that policeman felt really good about giving a huge ticket to a college student who can barely afford food. Skipping ahead to the end of the night, I got severely lost on my way out of Lincoln and spent an extra half an hour driving around trying to figure it out. Thank God my girlfriend is nice enough to MapQuest things for me at 12:00AM. Anyway, my hatred for Lincoln has now multiplied substantially and I'm even more broke than I already was.

On to part two, where a couple of things actually went well today.

First off, I did get to see Kelsey. We hung out at the dorms for a bit and then headed down to Jimmy John's for a sandwich. We sat and talked for probably about half an hour. It was actually really fun and it was great to see her and Caroline again. I'm not sure the trip was quite worth the $140.00 it costed me, but I was glad to see them anyway.

So, there was my fucking horrible day in a nutshell for you. I should've just gone and seen the Foo Fighters. Moral of the story: Bands/Music > People. Always.

Never better.

I think I have successfully dodged the flu. Granted, it's still flu season. So there's still a chance I could get sick. But as far as this particular incident, I think I survived. Way to go, immune system.

In the morning and amazing.

Communication. Something we do almost every second of every day. Text messages. Phone calls. Facial expressions. Body language. Words. Actions. Writing. Reading. Did I miss any? Of course I did. There are probably anywhere from ten to ten thousand ways to communicate at any given moment. The way she looks at me and turns up the corners of her mouth slightly as her eyes light up in some subtle but unbelievable way easily says more than thousands of words ever could. If only every gesture and every word could be given as much meaning as that one little smile. I think we'd get a little closer to that if we could all talk a little less and listen a little more. It's not like anyone's saying anything that hasn't been said before anyway. But maybe if we'd pause once in a while we'd hear something we hadn't heard before.

Pictures of shorelines.

So one of my original intentions with this blog was to start taking photos more frequently and use this as a place to post my favorites. Unfortunately, something seems to be wrong with my camera. I think the battery is just ruined. I hope. Otherwise something's seriously wrong with my camera and I'm going to have to buy a new one.

Ghost man on third.

Today is the third day since I saw Kaci the day before she got sick, and I'm still feeling fine. Must be all that vitamin water. I'm starting to think I might actually dodge the flu. Fingers crossed.

If God smokes cheap cigars.

Tonight I sat for a long while thinking about God. Now, before reading this I feel I should let you know a bit of my religious background. I was raised as a Lutheran from the time I was born. My freshman and sophomore year of high school I really didn't have any faith of any sort. My junior year I began going to a new church and really found the presence of God in my life. So please don't think of these musings as having any kind of anti-God sentiment to them.

Anyway, I was thinking for a bit about how many different religions there are and how so many people are so convinced that their version of God is the only correct one. Many people would even die for their own system of belief. A thought came to my mind that gave way to the rest of what I'm about to write: "What if they were all the same God?"

See, what if there really is a God? A very real God. A being who directs the happenings of the world and gave life to it in the beginning. If this God is so powerful and wonderful, would he not realize that we as humans have an incessant need to name and classify and explain anything that does not make sense to us? Who's to say that we're not all right, that the ways that we have all found to explain the thing that we feel in our hearts are just different names for the same thing? I see no reason why a loving God who created us all would feel any need to shun a certain form of belief in him. After all, we are only human. Who's to say that God has not simply accepted that though our stories and conclusions may be different and slightly flawed, we still find faith in him somehow? Recently, I heard a saying that I have heard many times in the past. And it seemed to tie in with this whole process of thought going through my head.

"God is love, and love is real."

What if God isn't anything but love? Love (not, of course, in the overly romanticized form) is one thing that nearly every person can agree exists in some form in every other person. The one thing that truly connects the entire human race. Is that not what we believe God is? An ever-present thing that connects us all in a deeply spiritual way?

Maybe none of this makes sense to you at all. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe this can't mean anything to you because you view the very idea of God as childish. But maybe you agree. Or maybe it has at least given you something to think about. The subject of God can and will be debated endlessly. But I'd like to think we can all put a little faith in love.

Sick in her skin.

My girlfriend got a real bad case of the flu yesterday. And I went and saw her Sunday night. So I figure it's only a matter of time until I'm sick too. I'm feeling alright today, though. Work at 4:00. I've got this feeling that something good is going to happen today. But maybe it's more of a longing than a premonition. I think Thursday I'm going to and apply for a few more jobs. I'm not a big fan of money but it's necessary to survive, I suppose. Hopefully soon I'll be making enough that I can pay for the things I need and start putting away for some things that I want.