Crush.

Every girl I ever think is cute is only going to like Reuben because he is cuter and I am fat. I have decided this. Now I only need to learn to be okay with it.

Even cowgirls get the blues.

Chin up, kiddo.

Can't win 'em all.

P.S. TRISTAN "Chuck 'E Cheese" COSTANZO LIVES IN MY HOUSE! ROCK N' ROLL!

The first of the century.

You know, you can be the first of this century to bleed through. To find truth. To know what you should do.
You know, it could be anything.
Sometimes you might find a crack or a fault line. But, dressed down or made up, you'll find a real love.
A place to come home to at night.

So what did we pay for? And why did we care? What were we after, and why was it there?
Desire gave way to a false sense of hope and we fell for the lie that it's what we all chose.
And I yelled to my friends, "It'll all be okay." But they didn't believe me.
They still don't today.
They never do anything they haven't before. In the same solemn room with no lock on the door.
And over and over and over again, the same failed solutions to all the same problems.
They scream, "Why? Why? I can't understand why the things that I do never go as I've planned!"

And the vultures begin their slow circling, the dogs lick their teeth. Bright white and gleaming.
But just hold your tongue. Barely begun to fight until now.
Let's see what you've got, this wide open shot. Take it or leave it.
'Cause we're getting out, we're getting out alive. And you'll never find us again.

Springtime out the van window.

The sun burns brighter every day and I don't have that bitter cold to direct my resentment at anymore.
So I fill my veins with loathing for the heart that keeps me going when I'm so far past useless I can't crawl out of bed.
(Not even just to get dressed.)
Everything is so beautiful in spring.
Everything is so beautiful but me.
So I lie and rot in bed until she comes in to fill me with regret.
And yet again, I regress. I'm such a mess.
I traded every shred of dignity that I had left just to feel her breathe on my skin.
She's such a pretty little mess and I just can't help but give in.
Everything is so beautiful in springtime.
Everything is so beautiful but none of it is mine.

No good at saying sorry.

I really just can't believe she didn't even apologize. That was the most terrible night I've had in quite some time. Probably the worst I've ever been screwed over in my life. And not even an apology. But oh well. Things happen.

Can't win 'em all.

Not that simple.

But really, it is. I have a tendency to make things a lot more complicated than they need to be. To attach emotions to things that I'm basically forcing myself to feel because I think I should. But I'm learning to let those things go. To realize exactly where I went wrong and exactly where someone else did something fucked up. I'm getting better at taking responsibility for my actions and not blaming myself when something is clearly not my fault. I think I'm going to be a happier person in general. So I guess I owe you that, at least.

Come pick me up.

You know you could. I wish you would come pick me up.
Take me out.
Fuck me up.
Steal my records, screw all my friends behind my back with a smile on your face.
And then do it again.
I wish you would.

Lovebites and razorlines.

Who you fucking now? I use my slit wrist to sign my name with. And when you cant compete with the Joneses, you'll gun 'em all down. (Even the father.)

You filthy whore.
Shut up and swallow my pride for me, move closer and drive further.
Suck on the end of this dick that cums lead, but first I'm coming for you all.

It's ladies night at the bar and she smokes a man's cigar.
I guess she's dying. Oh well.
I don't give a fuck about your dignity.
That's the bastard in me.

I know a girl who sells herself around. And I'm sure that one day she'll sign autographs in your town.

Looking back into my diary, what makes me say those things?
What causes my laughter at another's disaster?
It's the bastard in me.

You fucking whore.

Who you fucking now? You fucking live in shit.
I strain myself, I guess, I guess.
I fuck myself, I guess, I guess.
I strain myself.
I guess I need it.

You fucking whore you live in shit and you will eat your own way out.

I am too fly and shy, like no other guy.
I'm too fly and shy just for you.

I'll mark you all.

I know a girl who sells herself around. And I'm sure that one day she'll sign autographs in your town.

Who's she fucking now?
Who are you fucking now?
Thank you Daryl Palumbo for connecting the fine line between genius and profanity.

The East has stolen what the West may want.

Scream at the last thing that you said.
There's no hope in love, it's just inside your head.

Point of extinction.

It's about that time again where I start hating everything. Starting with who I am,
and ending with how I got here. I've been awake for days on end singing "Life is for the living and sleep is for the dead." But I need a good night's sleep to stop this aching in my head.

I won't sleep because when I sleep I'm just wasting time. I've been tired for years, but I guess that's the price I pay for trying to make the most of my time, yeah the most of this life.

It's about that time again where I start questioning everything. Starting with where I'm at, and ending with why you're not here. I stayed up on the phone until 5AM just to calm you down when you were living all alone in that empty house with all those terrible sounds. They kept you awake, so you kept me around.

It's about that time where I start answering everything. Starting with "I never meant..." and ending with "I'll make the same mistakes a million times before I get it right. Will I ever get it right?"

Wish you were here.

Figure it out.

I think I realized that trying to go somewhere else to figure out who you are inevitably leads to the realization that you are the same person you have always been no matter what place you are at and you might as well go home and be with the people who already know who you are and love you anyway.

Get your head straight.

So stoked to be moving out tomorrow! :D
I can't wait to have my own room.
And live with sweet dudes instead of annoying girls.
And pretty much just have personal space for the first time in eight months.
So stoked.

The tension and the terror.

Sometimes I just can't explain all the ways you devastate me. Always on my mind.

To be happy now.

Tonight was the best night I have had in a long time. If you don't already know what I'm talking about then you missed out on either an awesome night or an awesome story. I hate ignorant business owners. I love my family, my friends and my band. I love playing on the floor and feeling like maybe we're all part of something bigger than ourselves for two hours.

I'm truly happy for the first time in a long time. It feels good. Despite that little thing that's always in the back of my mind.

But the regrets are killing me.

You know what I hate?
How I still really like you.

"Well I'm not dead yet, but the regrets are killing me."

It's everybody's fault but mine.

Found the original six Straylight Run demos from 2003. The last time I had them was near the end of that year, which means I have been without them for over five years now. I am so happy about this.

You're a woman, I'm a machine.

Another night out with these single serving friends, waking up the morning after. Another day, another year and I'm feeling old, time just moves a little faster. We all twist and turn, we all break and bend 'til we're all turned backwards but we never change. The good times always end soon after they begin and I'm still the same. We always stay the same.

But tonight, tonight. We're gonna party like it's 1999. And tomorrow we'll wake up to the same old 9 to 5. Breathe in, breathe out. Smoke in your mouth. Press that cigarette to your lips, and it's all I can think about. The taste on my tongue and forgetting how this ever could've been fun. And I've had my doubts for a long time now, but aren't we just too young to be growing up?

I pace the floors in this house and take a look around, all of these people move just like that radio sounds. They're in my head, I can't forget and they were fun for a few nights and that was it. And they have got the hook to just pull you in, then they are there and their songs, they never end. I was singing along, but now I can't escape and it gets so old, I've gotta find someplace where I can be myself.
(Whoever that is these days.)

Oceans.

I started sending you a note on how "I hope that you’re happy". I hear you’re somewhere in the sand, and how I wish I was an ocean. Maybe then I'd get to see you again.

Why am I scarred from what she did to me? Why cant I trust anyone? No, not even me. Why don’t I just give in, have a drink and shake some hands?

I love The Format. Good bands should quit breaking up.

I'll never love again.

Until I can fill the void left in your bed, I'll never find my place there in your head.
You said, "I'm giving up, this is just not worth it. You know I care but I just can't see us making it out alive. This is goodbye." But those things I said to you, you know I meant them all. I really thought this could be something worth my time.

I guess I wasted an awful lot of nights on the phone with you, just passing the time 'til you found your old drugs and new friends. Hung me out to dry, but that's how it always ends.

Have you heard this all before? I know it's been said a million times. Will admitting this make me less obvious, make you think that i'm still clever and full of wit? You know this message hides in between these lines, I'll spell it out 'til it's impossible to miss.

Have you heard this all before? I know it's been said a million times. Will admitting this make me less obvious, can you still see that I am cliche and full of shit? You know "Please come back" hides in between these lines, I'll spell it out 'til it's impossible to miss. I'll never love again.

It's been eighteen days since I last saw your face and now this picture is all I have, but I doesn't feel right looking at it now. Because I know that it was meant for times when I was supposed to miss you, not for times like this when I cannot forget you even though I know I should be over this by now.

Hold on.

She had a history of killing herself, I had a habit of dying.

I think she gave me something to live for. I guess I helped her pass her time.

And I had a vision of seeing things straight, she had the heart of a liar.

I never saw her leaving me once, she never felt me beside her.

It's cruel but she's got a good hold on me.

High lonesome.

When our boots, they hit the ground, they made a high and lonesome sound.

Let go.

The slight, almost indiscernible distinction between giving up your convictions and growing up.

Here's looking at you, kid.

But boys will be boys and girls have those eyes that will cut you to ribbons sometimes.
And all you can do is just wait by the moon and bleed if it's what she says you oughta do.

Road signs and rock songs.

!WTF ?!ZRUOT?!DOS?!EVILASEIKS?!TRUOCREVIR?!FAN

!DEKOTS

The greatest fall (of all time).

You know that handful of records that shaped your taste and played over and over on your stereo when you were 14 years old that you will never get tired of or recognize as subpar or even terrible because they meant so much to you at the time and that will always make them great in their own way? Stories & Alibis is one of those records for me. And songs like this are the reason why. I don't have relationships that I keep going back to like some people do, mostly due to the fact that I tend to mess them up until there is no going back. But I do have albums that I will always come back to, whether it's to make things easier somehow or just to know that someone else felt something similar and felt it was important enough to write a song about it.

The hand of my clock strikes two, in times when I got the best of you. We made promises we couldn't keep, and every night [I] couldn't sleep. I didn't know why, but didn't ask questions because it was the first time in my life where I did something right. I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time. You pick me apart while I search for witty things to say in my defense. "You'll never amount to anything anyway." And you think that I'm impressed with your one night stands and your contagious kiss? I'm trying to get this right. Yeah, 'cause I'm ridiculous like that. I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time. I'll keep this as a constant reminder of the nights I spent holding onto her. And rest assured I'm moving on. I [wish I could] miss you less with each day you're gone. I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time.

Do you miss me at all? I doubt it but I wish I knew.

I have the feeling that I won't be in such a good place for a while. But I'll be back, I promise. And I know you'll all still be there.

Pretty pathetic.

You should have heard me sobbing
As I drove home that night
Got into bed and stayed there
For days I just laid there
Having been permanently changed
But we won't get into that now
Let's take it from the start

You should have seen me smiling
Like the world was mine
She used to call me baby
Softly, sometimes
But if I dwell on those days too long
I feel like my life is over
And that's no good
So let's move on

To the part where I begin to sense
Her distance
I panic and hold on tighter
But that makes it worse
How am I supposed to take it
When she said:

"This is something I'm going through,
It's got nothing to do with you"

I had a special evening all planned out
Desperately determined to reignite
Some spark between us
She had to feel something for me
A love as strong as ours
Doesn't just go away
You can't just turn it off
Unless she was lying all those times
But I don't think so
I really don't think so

The way she used to look at me
Made me a thousand feet high
The meaning of the word cool
Not the same geek
Who fumbled through his words that night
The ugliest night

I said some pretty awkward things
I got the feeling that she felt sorry for me
I should have seen it was
hopeless and left it alone
But I had to go on embarrassing myself

"I miss what we had I need you so badly,
I miss what we had I need you so badly"

I must have sounded pretty pathetic, I know
That's why I don't blame
her for what she said
But listen to me rambling
We don't know each other that well
But you're so easy to talk to
I feel like I can tell you almost anything
I hope I haven't put you off
I have a tendency to do that
Why don't I just be quiet?

A message.

I am an idiot. A fucking dumbass.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Fucking. Stupid.

I don't know why I was dumb enough to actually believe that this could work. To invest myself in this, to make you a part of my life, to actually care about you way more than I knew I probably should let myself care about you. I hate this feeling. And I hate how I've felt this feeling so many times and it still hurts just as much every time. I hate how knowing what to expect doesn't make it any less terrible. I hate how I can't even hate you because I'm too busy liking you and wishing it didn't have to be like this.

Never meant.

I really didn't mean that.

You could die (or this might end).

I'm really starting to hate this. I don't know how long I can keep waiting when it feels like every day you care a little bit less. Maybe you ought to just take your scholarship and forget that this ever happened. Seems to be the direction this is headed anyway, doesn't it? What's the point in dragging it out for a few more months? I don't know. I want to believe that this could work but I don't know how much longer I can keep hoping without even knowing if I'll ever even see you again. Maybe it's just time to give up. Or maybe I'm just in a shitty mood. I don't even know anymore. I wish I could feel like this still mattered to you.

This is all bigger than me.

I don't know why I feel so stressed and depressed right now. Maybe I just need a nap. But for some reason right now I just feel awful. Not physically. But man. I need a change.

Are we really happy with who we are right now?

You know what's disgusting? Logging into MySpace and seeing bulletins from people on your friends list telling you to add bands that you know are made up of horrible people playing horrible music. These people put on a face, pretend to be nice, and convince impressionable kids that they really care about their "fans" and their "music". It's seriously disgusting to me how fake these people are. I hope people who listen to my band realize that we're genuine. That we don't act any differently around them than we do in our everyday lives. That we actually do appreciate people who enjoy and relate to the music we make. I never want to treat anyone like they're just another number. I still remember what it was like to be fourteen and look up to all of the bands I used to listen to. They were my heroes. Their music was important to me in a way that not many other things were. I hope that my band can be that band for some people. And I hope those people understand that we love them for appreciating what we do. I could seriously throw up thinking about how fake and shitty some of these people are.

Timed turned fragile.

It's a little late for a New Year's Resolution, but I do have a goal for this year. I want to document everything as much as possible. Take photographs, keep journals, draw pictures, make playlists, make memories. This year is already set up to ridiculously eventful. It has the potential to either be awful or incredible. However it turns out, I want to remember it all. I don't ever want to question why I did or didn't do this or that. I want to always know why this year was the way it was.

This is my goal.
Wish me luck.

Every night's another story.

So much for afternoon plans.
Now my sleep schedule is even more screwed up.
Good to know I come in second to sitting around doing absolutely nothing.
:(

Sleep.

I think I may just start sleeping between the hours of 4PM and 2AM when I don't have work at night. I seem to get a lot more accomplished when I'm awake and no one else is. Less distraction, more time to think. More time to think means more time to realize just how much I miss you. But more time to think also means more time to figure out what I am doing, more time to clean my room, more time to do dishes, more time to draw (which I've started doing semi-regularly for the first time in years, getting back into practice), more time to play guitar (quietly, as not to wake anyone), and more time to myself, basically. I really enjoy it. I need to get a second job to keep up on my bills so I don't know how many more of these nights I'll be allowed to have, but I think I could use a few per month.

Saints & sailors.

"I can't buy a pack of smokes without running into nine guys you've f***ed."

Best line that I somehow didn't catch even though I've seen this like a hundred times.

It's been too long since I watched this movie and actually paid attention. 46 days since the last time I saw it. 46 days I've been missing you to death.

My standard break from life.

I've got a regular problem, so my standard break from life is in order. I'm having trouble making sentences. I'm older but I don't feel any smarter.
You see I don't know what I said to you, and now you're pissed at you-know-who... and I guess I deserve it. I wish I could waste my time without wasting all your time. I try to leave a good impression, but it's hard when my obsession's in a pint glass. And when you're only 23 19, it's not attractive to complain about your sore back.

Yes, I can bitch until my eyes are blue and you're in bed with someone new. And I guess you deserve him. Wish I could waste my time without wasting all your time.

I've got a motivation problem, so my standard break from life is getting longer. Spent over 30 hours in this bed in two days. I guess I could've phoned her. But now that I'm awake, I'd rather take a drink, walk down to the lake and beg the sky for lightning bolts. I can't waste my time without wasting all your time.

With a little help from my friends.

It's a late night again. Sitting outside with Bob listening to Cautioners by Jimmy Eat World and thinking a lot about life like I used to on warm summer nights. It's a little colder now but tonight's not as bad as some of them have been. It's the middle of March now, which means it's been a year since I became a part of a band that ended up meaning more to me than most anything else in my life. I've met a lot of people this year. I've grown a lot. I barely recognize myself as compared to who I was at this time last year. Mostly in good ways. This is a borrowed idea, but I decided it'd be a good reflection to write about some people other than myself in this blog for once. You're all such parts of me that I really wouldn't be me without you anyway.

Tristan Costanzo.
If it weren't for you, most of the things that happened in this past year would probably never have happened. I still remember randomly meeting you at that skate shop show in Fremont two summers (or was it fall?) ago. And randomly seeing you at the Burger King in the food court and talking for a bit. Somehow through some strange twist of fate we ended up spending a month together in an ill-fated pop rock band. I don't think I could've even imagined how much that would change my life.
Your hospitalization and our lunch at Taco Bell a few weeks later are things that I probably won't ever forget as long as I live. I didn't know what to say at first when you asked me to come jam with you and three people I barely knew for your new band.
It was all uphill from there, for the most part. Learned some songs, played some shows, kicked out a member, wrote some more songs. Confronting you outside your grandparents house with Nick and Lisa. Driving to Elise's dorm at 5AM to make sure you were going to be okay. Going on tour with you for the second and third times, having a blast. Carrying you up to your room in Pierre, SD.
Then, tour was over and real life started again for a few months. Things got a little strained, things were said that shouldn't have been said, we kicked you out and started looking for someone to replace you. Fast forward a month or two. You were back and, subsequently, I was gone. More things were said that shouldn't have been said. Another month gone, and I was watching you from the crowd at the Sokol Underground, singing along to the songs I'd helped write.
I could never even explain how proud of you I was that night. You barely resembled that nervous little boy I'd watched take the stage with his bass in hand for most of the past year. You were confident and you sang like I'd never heard you sing. I passed you some water and came on stage to sing a song and feel alive for a few minutes again. Fast forward another few weeks, and I was back with my friends playing the songs that I'd been missing for months. Another week, and we were writing again.
And now here we are, four more months later. Another EP damn near finished. Much better than our last, I think. You're like a brother to me. Sometimes I get frustrated with you, sometimes I want to punch you in the face. But at the end of the day I love you and I wouldn't trade you for the world. None of this would've been possible without you, so thank you for that. Here's to another year.

Nick Vierregger
I never knew quite what to think of you. Always yelling things at me across the parking lots at UNO. Sending me MySpace messages asking me to jam that I thought were just sarcastic jokes. Asking me to form a new band with you, Tristan, and some kid I'd never heard of named Alex. Then asking me instead to just come play drums with you three in a band with another dude. Jamming some songs, playing some shows. Then we kicked out the other dude and it was just us four, like it was supposed to be in the first place.
We wrote an EP, recorded it in a few weeks, and scheduled a couple of tours. We left home for some ill-fated adventures in Iowa, came home for a few days, and headed up for a few days of good times in Minnesota with Skies and NAF. Then it was back home for a couple weeks and then off on tour with The JV All*Stars. One of the most stressful times of my life, if you'll remember. But looking back it was also the most fun I've ever had.
We haven't always seen eye to eye, in fact I think in most things we're pretty much polar opposites. I know you were pissed when I left the band, and for good reason. But I'm definitely grateful you guys asked me to come back. We've fought a lot less since then and I can now say you're definitely one of the best friends I've ever had. We still bicker about dumb shit, but you're always there to keep me in check when I'm being an idiot.
You really stepped it up on writing guitar for this EP, I don't know if I've really even sat down and said that to you. But musically I'm way proud of this EP and I can't wait to see what we come up with from here on out. I know you're worried about this summer and getting all our tours booked and everything. I'm worried too man, but we'll make it happen. I'm stoked to spend the next few years in a van with you. But you're paying for your own speeding tickets. Just kidding. Maybe.
I know this is getting stressful and sometimes it seems like a little too much to handle, but if I learned anything in my time away from this band, it's that none of us can do this without each other. And I don't know about you, but there's really nothing I'd rather be doing. So get ready for a few years of being broke and scraping by in a van on the road. I can't wait. I love you man, I really do. You're my best friend and my brother and I'd rather not have to let that go.

Alex Brown
Oh man. Alex Brown. Where to even start. I had no idea who you were the first time I met you. I'd always seen you walking with your head down on your way to class. I had no idea you lived one floor above me on the other side in those dorms. That first time you, Nick and I hung out in his dorm was a little awkward. I'd barely talked to Nick and knew absolutely nothing about you.
But that changed pretty quickly. Soon enough we were jamming in the same band and bonding over a mutual dislike of our current singer. You and I hit it off a lot easier than Nick and I did at first. The crazy shit you say is always guaranteed to make me laugh, and I doubt I'll ever find a more entertaining afternoon activity than riding around in your car listening to you yell at traffic.
We both went a little bit crazy on tour. We were definitely the more level-headed (read: worrisome) dudes in the group and things got a little too nuts for us a couple times. But it was a blast. Even if you did spend most of your time either sleeping or texting. Ha.
I'll never forget hanging out with you in Lisa and Sarah's dorm room. Typing on my computer all the crazy things you were famous for saying. And reading your goofy MySpace bulletins every day always puts me in a good mood.
I know you were definitely the most bummed when I quit the band for a while and I definitely missed you the most at that time. Nick and I hadn't been getting along great and Tristan and I obviously had our differences at that point. I honestly almost stayed in the band just to not make you mad. Some days, I wish I had. But I think doing so made me realize a lot of things and I think we're a lot better of a band now and a lot better friends because we made it through all of that. The day you called me up to ask me to come back and jam was probably the happiest day I've had in a long time.
I know we all give you a lot of shit for staying in school and not going on tour. I think this summer is going to hold big things for us and I really hope you'll make the decision to stay on the road with us in the fall. Every time I think about the possibility of having to have a touring guitarist, I get a little bummed at the thought of having someone else on my left every night. You rock harder than most any guitarist I've ever seen, especially in a pop-rock band. And your lead lines on the new EP are some of my favorites; simple and clever, just the way I like them. Before we wrote vocals I consistently had your lead lines stuck in my head over and over. I'd rather never tour with a guitarist who's not you. You're always there to keep me sane and you open up on stage in a way that you don't do much in person and it always makes me glad (and, quite honestly, makes me play a little better).
You're a good man, Alex Brown. Same as Nick and Tristan, you're another brother from another mother. I can't wait to hang out with you in a van every day. It's been a good, long year but I have a feeling this next one's going to be even better. I really hope you'll decide to stay on the road with us man, I'll do it without you for a few months while you're in school if I have to but I damn sure don't want to. Like you always say, dude: "Shhh. Just let it happen."

Sarah Jorgensen
Sarah. Yours is going to be way short, quite simply because I've known you for like four years now and we've been through way too much for me to even begin to list in this blog.
So let's just start from about a year ago. I miss spending all my time on the couch at you and Lisa's dorms. Lots of good times and good memories in that dorm. Lisa burning popcorn. You and your disgusting bread & butter pickles and other assorted strange foods. Taking lots of pictures. Watching way too many movies. Sleeping through my classes way too many nights on your couch. I'll probably miss it for the rest of my life.
When we first moved down in 2007 you were one of the only people I knew. Now you're my roommate. And you've always been one of my best friends. We don't seem to really go hang out as much anymore seeing as we live in the same house and pretty much inevitably see each other every day. But don't worry, once I'm back from tour this summer I will still be calling you and seeing you often. And you'll have to come over and visit Bob once he moves over to wherever I move. He'll miss you. I might miss you. We'll see. Haha. We've been through a lot and we'll probably go through a lot more. You're a good friend and you're always there when I need you. Sorry I'm a dick sometimes. But you know I love you.

Lisa Kuhr
Lisa Kuhr. I don't even really know what to say about you. You're a sweet girl, most of the time. Except when you're angry and not speaking to me for two weeks. Or two days. Or even two months. But as pissed as you get sometimes, I think we'll probably always be friends. At least a little bit. I'm way sorry for being such a jerk that one time when we didn't talk for two months. I don't even know what happened. I obviously wasn't thinking straight, seeing as I quit my band and started planning to move my life to Minnesota. Crazy times.
We met on the internet, as so many people do. Not randomly, but because you were going to be Sarah's roommate and I added you on MSN Messenger. We talked about life and music for a while until you mentioned that you loved Saosin and I assumed we'd probably never really be friends. I guess I was wrong.
Like I already said, tons of good times in your dorm. Lots of great conversations about panhandles, Burger Kings, warm faces and their connections to AIDs, etc. You're not dumb by any means, but sometimes you're not quite all there. But it's why we all love you. Promise.
You and I, like most of my friends and I, fight a lot about really dumb things. Things that I can't even really remember for the most part because they're so pointless. But you know you're one of the sweetest girls I know most of the time. Hopefully nothing drastic ever happens again that leads to another no-talking-for-months period 'cause that was really no fun. You're one of my favorite people and I'm glad we're still friends.

Sam Houser
Sam. We were best friends for, what, like a year or two in high school? Then you hated me and wouldn't speak to me for about two or three years. And now we're good buds again. I spent way too much time over at your house when I wasn't in my band but it was never anything short of interesting. Most of the time it was actually even fun. I'm bummed your band didn't work out but you'll find something. You've gotten a lot better at bass since our first awful band (WITW, FTW!). Glad we both stopped being idiots for long enough to become friends again. Let's hang out more.

Reuben Houser
Unlike your brother, I didn't really hang out with you a lot outside of school back in the high school days. But we saw each other at Circle B shows often. (Do you miss those as much as I do?) This last year we've started hanging out more. A lot more. And now we even work together at PepperJax. You're an awesome dude and an amazing guitarist. You also drink a mean half-gallon of milk and aren't too bad with the ladies either. I think I have a lot to learn from you. Rivercourt is my new favorite band. Don't break up or start writing bad songs. I'm stoked to tour with you. It will happen sometime this summer. Get ready.

Margot Hurwitz
I only just met you a month or so ago, so I suppose this isn't too fitting for the whole "the last year" theme. But I borrowed this idea from you. So it's whatever, I guess.
You've quickly become one of my all time favorite people. Ever since that first night I talked to you when you stopped in Omaha on your way to move your life to Arizona, I haven't stopped thinking about you for more than an hour.
Your smile is incredibly contagious and you make me smile and laugh more than most anyone else about 5 days a week. You usually spend the other two days driving me completely insane and making me wonder what the hell we're even doing. But I like you. A lot. And I can't see myself stopping anytime soon.
You're a total nerd. You love Lord Of The Rings and know more about comic books than I do. You read more than probably anyone else I know. All of those things are probably even more attractive than the fact that you are quite probably the cutest girl ever. You enjoy mostly decent music, a good amount of great music, and some music that I'm not really into. But I won't say any of it sucks, or I'll probably get yelled at. Haha.
All in all, you live 1,300 miles away from me and do things that drive me nuts more so than anyone else I have ever met. But I like you way too much to let little things like that keep you from being in my life. I really hope this works out as well as I believe it can because if it doesn't, it'll be a very long time before I find a girl as close to perfect as you. I can't wait 'til I see you again, and I'm going to do whatever I can to make that happen as soon as possible.
I miss you tons and like you even more. Thanks for making my days a little happier and making me smile. I've known you for such a short time but I feel like I know you relatively well so far and I'm stoked to continue getting to know you and talking to you for hopefully a very long time.

There are some people I probably left out here. I'm sorry. I have quite a few friends that really mean a lot to me and you all know who you are, regardless of whether or not I wrote a few paragraphs about you here or not. Amy Hampton, the best roommate in the world. Colby Sanchez, one of my favorite songwriters, one of my favorite co-workers, and one of my good friends. All the dudes in Skies Alive, Now And Forever, The JV All*Stars and Avery: nicest bands and sweetest dudes I've ever toured with and probably ever will tour with. There are so many more and the more I list, the worse I'm going to feel for those I forget. So everyone who is a part of my life (listed here or not) and, consequently, a part of me: thanks for making me who I am. For the first time in my life I can honestly say I'm fairly happy with who that is, and that wouldn't be true without you.

Don't know why.

Why is it that from day to day you are either making me incredibly happy or totally bummed? You're a roller coaster and I'm not sure how long I can keep going without throwing up.

Wonderful awkward.

Our EP is so close to being done. I can't wait. I just want to be able to listen to it. And for everyone else to be able to hear it, of course. I'm so proud of us. We've been through a lot but I think we've made something really special here.

I also am completely falling for a certain girl who lives way too far away from me. It's kind of alright with me. Although it'd be a lot better if she were here. I miss her lots. She drives me absolutely insane about 3 or 4 days a week. But it's worth it.

I love my friends. I miss my girl. I can't wait to go on tour.

4 A.M. conversation.

How is it that we can talk to for hours having fun, making each other laugh, and being generally happy and all I can think about today is the two minute conversation that made me feel totally inadequate and useless? How can I have spent my entire life not regretting this decision and have it all turned upside down in seconds?

I don't believe in answers anymore.

...as a result of signals being crossed.

I have absolutely no idea what's even going on anymore.

Complete and utter confusion...

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think.
I want to be where you are, I want to be what you need.
If I write you this song will you come back to me?
This isn't something so easy to forget,
At least not for me.

Your house.

Listening to a band from Arizona sing me exactly how I feel about a girl from Arizona and wondering why Jim Adkins seems to have predicted my entire life in lyrics.

Bedroom talk.

I got the talk when I was younger and understood. As I recall they hadn't mentioned this at all. My heart was racing like a sprinter that tripped and fell in love with a girl. Just for tonight. And that's all.

I've got big, big plans and they've got to mean something more than just once. I just don't know what I want.

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married and you're all mine now. Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives... or maybe for just tonight.

I got the call when I was older and I understood: If it happens, then it happens. And that's all. My arm's the hose and you're the fire, out of control, and I've got to put you out before there's nothing left at all.

I've got big, big plans and they've got to means something more than just once. I just don't know what I want.

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married and you're all mine now. Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives.

Or maybe for just mine.

Get your ass up 'cause you're in no hurry like I am now. I'm getting older and older all of the time. Or maybe for just tonight

And the next part is the hardest to admit and explain, but I've got to get it right.
She said I'll chew you up and spit you out like all of them. "I'm gonna put you right back in my mouth. You know that I will always love you."

Relapsing.

The saddest songs can sing themselves.

We just sing along.

Cover what you can.

I just downloaded the new Punk Goes Pop 2 and Punk Goes Crunk. I was very disappointed. Since when did covering songs turn into learning songs and then playing them, keeping them as close to the original version as possible? That's not a good cover. That's what talentless bar bands do every weekend to pay their bills. A good cover should sound like it was originally written by the band performing it. Not an identical version with some guitars and some different vocals. That's a remix, at best. Oh, and if you're going to cover a song, at least know the words to the original. (I'm looking at you, Cartel.) Come on.

Anyway, to illustrate my point, here's a playlist of some really great cover songs you should listen to:

Motion City Soundtrack -
My Valuable Hunting Knife (Guided By Voices)
The Sun Woke The Whole State (Limbeck) - MCS/Limbeck Split EP
Truth Hits Everybody (The Police) - Policia!
Bayside -
Megan (The Smoking Popes) - Acoustic
Thursday -
Ny Batteri (Sigur Ros) - War All The Time B-Side
Further Seems Forever -
Bye Bye Bye (N*Sync) - Punk Goes Pop
The Postal Service -
Against All Odds (Phil Collins) - B-Side
Copeland -
Black Hole Sun (Soundgarden) - Punk Goes 90's
Stretch Arm Strong -
Get This Party Started (P!nk) - Punk Goes Pop
Rufio -
Like A Prayer (Madonna) - Punk Goes Pop
The Early November -
The Power Of Love (Huey Lewis & The News) - Punk Goes 80's
Saves The Day -
I Melt With You (Modern English) - I'm Sorry I'm Leaving EP
Jimmy Eat World -
Game Of Pricks (Guided By Voices)
The Starting Line -
Big Time Sensuality (Bjork) - Punk Goes 90's
I'm Real (Jennifer Lopez) - Punk Goes Pop

People need to start making covers like these again. People need to start being creative again.

All Time Low are pussies.

That's all.

<3

She paints me blue.

The Secret Life Of The American Teenager has gotten so ridiculous that I don't know if I can keep watching it or not.

We are so close to finishing our EP and I am so incredibly excited.

I am so far in debt right now that it's not even funny, but I think I can figure it out.

I miss you so much and on days like these I feel like you don't care at all. I'm so afraid that this won't work out.

Stay where I can see you.

I already have the feeling that everything is going to turn out for the better right where you're at, and I'll just kind of fade away. I hope that doesn't happen. I'm not sure I'll be ready for it when it does. I guess we'll see.

Right now I'm very excited for my band's new EP to be finished. I know it'll still be a while before we can really get it out to people but I just want to hear the finished product and know we've created something worthwhile. I think it'll turn out great. I hope everyone likes it, but then again I don't really care. Not that I don't appreciate everyone who actually likes our band. I do, more than anyone will ever know. But we didn't write this record for other people. I'm personally proud of 99% of all of these songs and I can't even explain how stoked I am for this.

I hope everything starts going as good as I know it could.

All you can ever learn is what you already know.

I just want to meet these people. I want to ask them if they all started out this way. If they really wanted to be rich and famous and not worry about sincerity or honesty at all. Or if they used to have goals, dreams, and beliefs and they all just kind of got swept under the rug. Either way, I hope I don't turn out that way. I have dreams. I have goals. I believe there can be more to this. I hope I never lose that faith.

There's a better fire in Minneapolis.

I love my band. They're the best friends I've ever had and the greatest people I could ever hope to play music with. I made this video tonight, I hope not too many people read this blog other than the people I'm aware of that read it because the background music to this video should probably not be heard yet. I'll be posting a new video with the completed song once I get it. But it was too good to pass up. It made me smile and it made me more sure than ever that this is what I need to be doing with my life. Nick and Tristan (Alex, do you read this?), I hope you get a kick out of this and smile a little. Margot, you're the only other one who reads this, I think. So pretty much this is how I spent last summer.

There's never enough time.

Why do I keep getting the feeling that you don't want this as much as I do? That we're never going to agree on anything and we're not going to work hard enough to make this go somewhere? I feel like there's something here that's really worth fighting for, but what's the point when all we're fighting is each other?

Damn it.

Knees.

I miss someone.

I'd run there, but knees are weak and my body needs to be close to you sometime soon.

I love Hot Rod Circuit.

My band just finished writing the music for the last two songs on our EP. Now we just have to get some lyrics done and we'll be set. Everything is turning out much better than I'd anticipated, I am so excited about it! I can't wait to get this pressed and get it into peoples' hands, I hope everyone will really like it.

So far away.

Even from 1,300 miles away you make me smile at least once a day and it's more than I've had in a while.

Life is strange sometimes. Good friends come from the most unexpected places.

Tortures of the damned.

I used to believe that everyone, after living a certain amount of time, would harbor a certain amount of hatred or resentment toward themselves. I mean, who in their life has met a person that they could spend every single second of 19 years with and not get sick of them? I used to believe that everyone hated themselves to some extent and that it was up to our friends, families, and other people in general to see the good in each other and try to remind each other of that.

I used to think that by now, everyone must be sick of themselves. Everyone must hate themselves.

Now I think that it's just me.

Invisible monsters.

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."

It has been a very long time since I updated this. Life has had a lot of ups and downs lately. My band is doing amazing. We've got almost half of our new EP done and it's sounding awesome.

I'm really short on money lately and it's a real bummer. I'm looking hard for a second job so hopefully something comes through soon. This bad economy is really starting to get to me.

I got a new dog. His name is Bob. Got him for free from Rick, there wasn't any room for him to run around or be out of his kennel at the studio so he's in my house now. He's having a great time so far, the other dogs like him and he gets to run around all day long. Plus he's the best at fetch ever. And he almost caught a rabbit last night. Rabbits are fast, but Bob is fast too.

I love my friends. I love my life, for the most part. I'm making some decisions to change some things that I've wanted to change for a long time. I'm going to try and stop skating by on what I can and try to work a little harder at the things I need to work hard at.

I'm going to try and keep updating this thing more often so I don't have to try and squeeze a whole month into a few paragraphs again.

I've been reading a lot of Chuck Pahlaniuk lately and it's really good.

See you soon.

-Drew.